The Babbling Belle

I had the weirdest doctor’s appointment last week. Here I am 50 years old and doing all of this “preventive care”. (BTW…..my mother would tell you that I am NOT 50 years old, but that is another story for another time.) So, I went and scheduled my colonoscopy, but of course, I would have to have a consultation prior to the colonoscopy, and that is where the story of my weird doctor’s appointment began……

     I arrive at the doctor’s office early despite the monsoon that decided to take place the day after Fall began. I had to give them all my information again, because I guess the hour, I spent online uploading all the necessary info that they requested to eliminate me filling out more paperwork once I arrive at the appointment was not enough for the receptionist to fathom, so she had me do it all again. Once I handed the completed paperwork back to her, she proceeded to tell me that she is just going to call me Ms. Butler instead of Mrs. Iacono because that was easier for her to pronounce. I, then, proceeded to tell her that my last name is no longer Butler, but it is Iacono, and yes, I pronounced it correctly for her. She said she understood, but she was still going to call me “Ms. Butler.” I was going to respond by saying, “Well, why don’t you just call me Puddin’ Tang then?”, but I kept my mouth shut and sat down.

     Then, they call me back to the exam room. The CMA proceeded to take my temperature and and my blood pressure, She did not use a regular blood pressure cuff, but one on my wrist. When she read me my blood pressure, it seemed very high for me, and I proceeded to tell her that. She said not to worry about it, because those fingertip readers never give an accurate read anyway. Ugh…..then why even use the dang thing?!!?! Once again, I kept my mouth shut and continued to answer her questions. Then, she informed me that a medical student would be coming in to ask me some question. 

     The medical student came in, shook my hand, and then proceeded to ask me why I was there today. Surely, by now the million times I have answered this question, they would have it written on that smart tablet they keep carrying around, but I guess I was wrong. So, I answered the same exact questions AGAIN! She proceeded to ask me if I were allergic to any meds. I told her that I can’t take Aspirin. She asked if it were ever accidentally given to me, would that be ok. No, it would not be ok, Lady! My blood would thin, passing through 2 AVM’s in my lung, and I would die! Is that clear enough for you? It it is in ALL of my medical records! (I think she just needs to go back to medical school for more training. Can you take a survey at a doctor’s office for such things?)

     After she shuffled herself out of the room, the doctor came in, and asked me why I was there too. (Hello! Look at your smart tablet. It will tell you!) I told her that I was now 50 years old and was coming in for preventive care. She proceeded to tell me that I should have come to see her 5 years ago and not just today.  Well, I could take no more! I told her that my name is not Cher, and I can’t turn back time! (If you do not understand my reference, Google it, then you will understand.) I said that I am here today, so let’s get on with it!

     After she completed her line of questioning, her assistant came in, not once, but 3 times to try and schedule my colonoscopy. I kept telling her that I am a very busy woman, and she just can’t pick any day for me. I do not understand why she just didn’t bring her smart tablet with her and scheduled it in my presence. The only thing that I can figure is that she wanted to get her steps in that day. 

     I guess the doctor didn’t have enough of me earlier and came back to tell me what I can’t do after the colonoscopy.  The first thing she said to me was that I cannot do any online shopping. My response, “I’m sorry…I can’t shop online? Why?!?!” She, then, explained that I would be high from the anesthesia, and I may make unnessary purchases. Like that would be the first time, I have done that and I was NOT high when I did! lol! Ok….no online shopping….random...but ok.

     So, bottom line, after having the weirdest doctor’s appointment ever, I am having a colonoscopy on January 3rd if anyone cares to know, and I will be doing NO online shopping. Say a little prayer for me...ok...I am done with the song refernces.Wish me luck!